From the Agony Booth forums, part 1

Being a lover of the Agony Booth, I hang out a lot on the forums. It helps that the forum users are good people, who quite often have great senses of humor. Here's some samples of their intelligence that also happen to be great potential signatures.
Note: No names are named.

Warning: Strong language is occasionally used; some situations may not be suitable for work or children.

This movie is like being nose-fucked by the rotting corpse of John Candy. [on Southland Tales]

Bridget Jones' Diary of a Mad Black Housewife: Our heroine learns that her life is not that pathetic after being exposed to Tyler Perry in drag.

Hey, I liked The Devil's Rejects. I even liked House of 1000 Corpses, I really did. I thought Rob Zombie and I were on the same trash-cinema wavelength. And then this happened. [on the Halloween remake]

You guys don't NEED a Satan or demons; you're doing a good enough job of fucking up mankind on your own.

That's why I never became a spree killer myself. I couldn't possibly decide where to begin.

Arnold Vosloo where are you? I need your strong South African hands to hold me in the night! [on The Mummy]

On "Premonition": One thing I found entertaining was how hilariously unconvincing Julian McMahon is as a small-town family man. Every time his children enter the frame you can tell he's wondering if they're valet parking attendants.

Don't let the bitterness fool you, underneath is more bitterness and a raspberry filling.

I'm so fucking manly and grizzled...like ten Nick Noltes.

Daddy Day Care is worse than being molested by a sweaty, naked, and gyrating Don Rickles. Still it's better than Xanadu.

Into the Blue is only good for Alba's amazing ass(or for others Paul Walker's amazing ass.) and Josh Brolin consuming more scenery than Hurricane Katrina.

Great, now Jesus has to chase the whole internet off a cliff...

More will come later.

100 great fundamentalist quotes

I'm a liberal, non-devout Mormon. Apparently, in the views of fundamentalists, that means I'm a paradox.

How else do you explain all these fundamentalist quotes that indicate no irony in saying that Christians who don't help arrest faggots (their words, not mine) aren't Christians?

This is simultaneously horrific and hilarious. There's too many to put here, so I'll put up some favorites:

Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.

I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I've dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs).

There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least.

You got it backwards. Creationism is based upon science, reason and tons of evidence. Evolution is based on the blind acceptance of superstitions and fairy tales.

I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie.

several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years.

I honestly don't care about your rights. If it were up to me, all Atheists would be burnt at the stake and or cast into a river with weights tied to their ankles and or placed before the firing squad, etc etc etc.

Make sure your answer uses Scripture, not logic.

You are confusing TECHNOLOGY with SCIENCE. Technology and science are often lumped together, but are totally separate and unrelated things.

[Talking about an eleven year old girl who was raped and then buried alive] god was sacrificing this child as a way to show others the light. much as he did his own child. what a beautiful gift he has given us.

A woman for president is a bad idea. Hillary for president is even worse. Do you think America never had a woman for president by coincidence? [You can transfer that logic to black people, seeing as there's been no black presidents - Anyway it's incredibly insensitive, stupid and unbased.] As stupid as you think it sounds I totally agree. Blacks should not ever be in positions of power. They should be suppressed back in to slavery.

Jesus is not a Jew. Jesus was Jewish.

According to evolutionists, it's a fact that aliens ruled the planet before the dinosaurs because that can't be disproven.

In my opinion, if an animal in the wild like a swan is caught being gay it should be shot on sight, disinfected, and used to feed the poor.

The bottom line is that Terri's husband wanted her dead. He and his cronies did everything in their power to kill Terri. They succeeded. God help us. The next Hitler is coming.

All any terrorist has to do is drop large quantities of plutonium from airplanes onto American soil and it will render electricity completely useless.

Satan loves homosexuals.. And will usually set them up with good careers in something Satan is in control of i.e.. Entertainment.. any form of the Media.. Satan wants them to grow.. The more homosexuals there are the more souls Satan gets to join in a Furnace of Fire..

If you mean that men have ever been animals you are 100 percent wrong. No evidence under the sun can prove that I was ever my pet cat. ET can happen within a species but not between species.

Of-course religious people do bad things sometimes. But at least their religion forces them to acknowledge within themselves the evil they do. Atheists have no such guidance. They are just like psychopaths! Cold, mechanical, soul-dead!

Convinced atheists adhere to no concepts of good and bad, but make them up as they go along. To me, they're no different from machines! A bit like the gun which is capable of cold, mindless, killing - devoid of all consciousness of responsibility.

Bush is the the antichrist. America is Mystery Babylon the great. 911 was an inside job carried out by the fourth reich, used to start world war three, under the guise of, Bushes never ending war OF terror. Satan set up current day Apostate Israel. God is about to destroy it. 70 ad was just a picnic compared to what God is about to do to them via his seven Angels.

But the greatest of them all:

You are banned. You are not a Christian for Christians don't accuse brothers and sisters in Christ of being non-Christian.

And one from a fellow liberal Mormon:

Never mind believing in God. After reading these, I wonder how God can believe in us.

Skidoo, Part Two: Woo Hoo

So, I finished watching "Skidoo" recently, and I have to say, for a movie with such a bad reputation, it really wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Sure, it was pretty bad, with some rather disturbing moments, such as Carol Channing in her bra and panties and one line that's supposed to be funny but comes across as incredibly tacky. (More on that later.) But for the most part, it's just like the first 15 minutes suggested: It's not funny, nor aggressively offensive, but rather just flat. It's a comedy that not only has few laughs, but it doesn't even seem like it tries. (I might write a review for my movie review blog later.)

Sadder still, the bizarro lines didn't come as often as I'd hoped. Most of the oddness of the film comes through its visuals, and although I know people put images in their signatures all the time, I don't have a copy of the movie to get screengrabs from, and I don't want to find them online. Besides, I hate it when people put images in their signatures. I tend to prefer wordy humor.

Still, I don't want to disappoint all the people who may one day read this blog. So I've tried to find what little absurd lines there are in the remaining hour and a half of film that I watched.

"You know what? You look like a flower." "That's funny. I feel like a flower."

"It's the Green Bay Packers... they're all naked!"

"I'm an angel! I'm a goddamn angel! Hallelujah!"

"There are only three great Americans: Washington, Lincoln, and me!"

"He ain't Loretta, he's Gertrude!"

"There's gotta be somebody there! It's a federal prison, and I'm a taxpayer!"

"Hey! Keep the noise down! You'll wake the baby!"

There's also a scene that deserves its own YouTube video (although it might get deleted after five minutes, since the movie is owned by Viacom--although there are videos of it around that haven't been yanked, so you never know). You see, near the end of the movie, several prisoners sneak LSD into the prison's food supply, and somehow, all the prisoners and workers and visitors ingest it. (This is what leads to the lines above as well.) Naturally, they go goofy, leading to an incredible sequence where two tower guards see some prisoners taking garbage cans out, and then... sigh...

The garbage cans sprout arms and legs and start dancing. No, really. I'm not making this up.

Crazier still is what they're dancing to: A Harry Nilsson song about "life in a garbage can." (Harry Nilsson did the soundtrack to "Skidoo," and even has a small part as one of the hallucinating tower guards.) I can't find lyrics to the song online, which is a damn shame, because it's just full of absurd lines. Thankfully, since "Skidoo" is up in pieces on YouTube, I was able to find it and transcribe it. Take your pick.

Living in a garbage can be a lot of fun
It has its ups, doo-doo-doo, and downs
Oh paper cups and coffee grounds
Life in a garbage can be a lot of fun
Especially if you meet the perfect un-yun
Oh the great garbage can it's just full of good stuff
All the discarded refuse of man
Like the half-used banana
Whose girlfriend is Anna
Who shan't let us out of this can
Wow-wow-wow, said the poor Brussel sprout
A-dibbity-bye
If only the banana and me could get out
We'd find an asparagus
Who'd stand up and marry us
But the first thing to do is get out
Wow-wow-wow
Now an old piece of ham is in love with some lamb
But a young head of lettuce is too
Now said the ham to the lettuce
The lamb won't forget us
As soon as he learns out of view [?]
Whoa-whoa-whoa, the great garbage can
A-dibbity-dah
It's a tribute to the ingenuity of man
Where corn and tomatoes
Are mixed with potatoes
And thrown in together with ham
Where a brussel sprout and a sauerkraut can get together and have it out
And no one seems to care about the pan
And a suckotash and a piece of hash can get together and have a bash
Oh life is always equal in the can!

The song is actually kind of fun, but unfortunately you have to get through nearly an hour and a half of lame to get to it. (Or you could get the soundtrack -- or better yet, go to the end of part 8 and continue with part 9. I may try and fix up a copy.) The Harry Nilsson song where he sings the end credits (yes, really) is fun too. Hell, even Carol Channing singing the theme is kind of catchy. (Yes. Really.) Maybe the soundtrack is better than the movie. That happens a lot, it seems.

Oh, and one last quote. This one is for those of you who want to be shocking and don't mind being banned from message boards. After Jackie Gleason trips on LSD (yes, really), his cellmate gets excited and makes the following unbelievable statement:

"Hey... maybe if I took some of that stuff... I wouldn't have to rape anybody anymore!"

That's "Skidoo" for you.

Harry Potter is a dirty slut.

A while back, on the board I frequent, somebody put up a bunch of quotes from the "Harry Potter" books that sounded very dirty if you were in the right frame of mind. Since I'm lazy, I figured this would make a nice quickie post. Enjoy!

"JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO USE MAGIC NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHIP YOUR WAND OUT FOR EVERY TINY LITTLE THING!"

"Quite astonishing, the way you contrive to wriggle out of very tight holes."

"Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this."

"...when it appears, it is always equipped for the seeker's needs. Dobby has used it, sir," said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty, "when Winky has been very drunk."

"He was rather taller than Snape, who, Harry noticed, had balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what Harry was sure was the handle of his wand."

"Stand up and take out your wand, Potter."
"I thought not," said Snape, watching him closely. "You let me get in too far. You lost control."

"Manners, Potter," said Snape dangerously. "Now, I want you to close your eyes."
Harry threw him a filthy look before doing as he was told. He did not like the idea of standing there with his eyes shut while Snape faced him, carrying a wand.

"He was on all fours again on Snape's office floor."

"Well?" said Ron finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?" Harry considered for a moment.
"Wet." He said truthfully.

"What did he do to you, Diddy?" Aunt Pentunia said in a quavering voice, now sponging sick from the front of Dudley's leather jacket. "Was it-- was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use-- his thing?"

"Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry's wand?"

"Say hello to him [Hagrid] for us!" called Hermione, as Harry proceeded down the ward. "And ask him what's happening about...about his little friend!"

"... every part of him screaming for release, Harry felt the creature use him again..."

"Anyway, its a nightmare of a year, the fifth," said George. "If you care about exam results, anyway. Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow."

"He [Harry] tried to eat, but it was like chewing carpet."

"Ha ha ha, Harry, look at it--" said Ron, watching it disgorge its gaudy innards. "Harry, come and touch it, bet it's weird--"..."Harry, look what's happen--no--no, I don't like it--no, stop--stop--"

"One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley."

"...which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and the bushes and watch the foursome under the tree."

"Harry's heart began to pump very fast indeed. Defence against external penetration?"

...She pressed hard on the top of his head. "Doesnt it ever lie flat?" she said desperately. Harry shook his head.

"Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering trough various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent."

"He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking toward the door with their wands pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them..."

"We're not going to use magic," Ron ejaculated loudly.

“Well-- it’s just that you seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to-- what is the phrase?-- come quietly. I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius.”

"Zacharias folded his arms and said nothing, though perhaps this was because he was too busy keeping an eye on the instrument in Fred's hand."

"Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands raised..."

"Who?" said Harry quickly.
"Ginny Weasley, " said Katie.
Harry gaped at her.
"Yeah, I know," said Angelina, pulling out her wand and flexing her arm. "But she's pretty good, actually. Nothing on you, of course," she said, throwing him a very dirty look, "but as we can't have you..."

"I was sure if he realized that our relationship was - or ever had been - closer then that of headmaster and pupil..."

"A couple of weeks after his dream of Rookwood, Harry was to be found, yet again, kneeling on the floor of Snape's office..."

"You are not in a position to bargain, Potter," said Lucius Malfoy, his pale face flushed with pleasure. "You think you're such a big man, Potter," said Malfoy, advancing now, Crabbe and Goyle flanking him. "You wait. I'll have you."

Both Sirius and Snape lowered their wands... the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses...
"But what's going on?" asked Mr. Weasley.
"Nothing, Arthur," said Sirius, who was breathing heavily as though he had just run a long distance."

Twelve and a quarter inches...pleasantly springy. It's in fine condition...You treat it regularly?"
"Polished it last night," said Cedric, grinning.
Harry looked down at his own wand. He could see finger marks all over it. He gathered a fistful robe from his knee and tried to rub it clean surreptitiously. Several gold sparks shot out of the end of it. Fleur Delacour gave him a very patronizing look."

Miscellaneous signatures, part 1: The nightmare begins

A lot of the time, I find signatures all on their own, like a gem in the middle of the desert. As such, trying to put them into a themed post doesn't work. So what can I do? Miscellaneous posts!

The rules of miscellaneous posts: Ten signatures that may or may not have anything to do with each other will be put up. That's it. Let's go!

From watching French new wave, esp. Clare's Knee, I noticed that men and women could casually touch and embrace. I had been raised in a cold, New England arms-length kind of culture, and I found that very appealing. Since then I've made an effort to open up physically, and it has made me a better person. Also, I learned not to get hung up on teenaged girls' knees. --M. Peachbush, in the "Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule" Summer Quiz, on what he's learned from movies

This is the only film in which Seagal co-starred with Bart the Bear. --Deleted from the "Trivia" section of the Wikipedia article on On Deadly Ground

Kermit is the only amphibian to have the honor of addressing the Oxford Union. --From the Wikipedia article on Kermit the Frog

My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. --General Authority (unknown), October 2007 LDS General Conference

Man, I hate milkshakes. Die, milkshake, die! That's right, milkshake, you have been defeated! Now you go to milkshake prison! --Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Episode 17

Yu-Gi, you little [bleep]! You son of a f[bleep]ing [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]! I'm going to tear off your [bleep] and shove them right up your [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] and then [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] on your [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] with [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] in the [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] and [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] your [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] so then you'll have to [bleep] sideways! [bleep] --Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Episode 17

Every fanboy's dream: Bring Natalie Portman to your room and show her your robot. --RiffTrax, "Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace," sample

I admit it's been a while since I took a history class. What war was it again that we fought the dinosaurs in? --Superdickery

In the end, this movie mostly serves as proof that Keanu Reeves is a pretty smart guy. Who knew? --Ad for "Speed 2"

It's the type of movie that calls itself "Hitchcockian," but the only thing it has in common with the deceased director is their shared lack of a pulse. --Rotten Tomatoes, on "Twisted"

So there you have it. Ten quickie signatures retrieved at semi-random. See you next time!

Skidoo - Part One

As I mentioned in my introductory post, I use a signature from an old trailer to an old, obscure movie. (This was back when trailers were more like sales pitches than summaries of the movie.) The movie, "Skidoo," was a pretty big bomb, and from what I've seen, trust me, it deserved it. I mean, if Groucho Marx can't make your movie funny, no miracle could.

Anyway, the trailer featured Dr. Timothy Leary (!) extolling the virtues of "Skidoo." One can only hope that he was high while watching it (if he ever did). Intercut with his pitch is a black man trying to sound hip, and Groucho Marx coming up with a line that's actually funny.

So anyway. The line I use?

Anybody who don't like that, daddy, don't like chicken on Sundays. --Random black guy

It's so random and yet so generic that it fits everything I post about.

Other lines from the trailer (note: It's been a while since I saw it, and I may not remember them clearly):

Every young person in the country should turn on mom & dad... by taking them to this movie. --Timothy Leary

I laughed my head off! So if you see a man walking around without his head, that's me! --Groucho Marx

It is the gassiest, grooviest, swingingest, trippiest movie you've ever seen! --Random black man

Can you imagine Groucho Marx being God? --Timothy Leary

(Note: Groucho Marx does not actually play God in the movie. He plays a gangster named "God." That should give you an idea of what the movie is like.)

It'll make you love better. It'll make you feel better. And it's even legal! --Timothy Leary

Naturally, none of these lines are actually good descriptors of the movie. I've only seen about 13 minutes of it, and it doesn't have any real laughs; it's very, very flat. I anticipate it will only get worse.

Nonetheless, I do have a few lines from early in the film:

Remember: For family fun, get your gun! --Random advertisement

He's not a hippie, he's bleeding! --Jackie Gleason's daughter

So why are you driving a beat-up Rolls Royce? Why aren't you driving a beat-up Ford? --Jackie Gleason

"Why do you dress like that?" "Well, we can't all be undertakers, man." --Jackie Gleason and Hippie (John Philip Law)

Just to make sure you're clear: This is supposed to be a counter-culture comedy. How much of that did you laugh at? And how much of that laughter was actual amusement, as opposed to the bad laugh, the kind of "Are you kidding me?" laughing?

Gosh, my first real post and it's 60% explanation. Hopefully, I'll get better at this.

PS: Despite not laughing at any of the "Skidoo" I've seen (with the exception of the Groucho line from the trailer), I plan to watch the DVR copy I got last Friday. (I'd explain more, but you can find more information elsewhere on the Internet. Sorry.) Hopefully, I'll get more clinker lines for signatures.

Standard intro to blog.

Hello, I'm Sillstaw, and this is my new blog: The Repository of Potential Signatures.

Having been on several Internet forums, I know that having a distinctive signature is a great way to seperate yourself from the rest of the posters. (You also have avatars on most message boards, but let's ignore that.) So naturally, I've collected quite a few over a long while.

However, on my current residence, I use the following signature:

Anybody who don't like that, daddy, don't like chicken on Sundays.

--Random black man, trailer to "Skidoo"

(Note: I only have the first line in my signature; it's not attributed to "Random Black Man.")

Having started out with a lame Mark Twain signature (it didn't mesh with my posts very well), I saw that trailer for the legendarily lame "Skidoo" and fell in love with that line. So, at the first chance, I changed it. That was late 2006.

Meanwhile, I'm still seeing plenty of brilliant potential signatures out there. I'm pretty much bound to; I like visiting humorous websites, and whenever I see something that tickles my fancy (which is somewhere near the uvula, I think), I copy and paste it into a Word file called "Signatures" that has just become 50 pages long.

That's right. As of January 8, 2008, 10:18 MST, I have 50 pages of mostly-short witticisms, with the occasional Freudian slip and misinterpretation here and there. And since my current signature is serving me plenty well, what am I to do?

The idea of putting the signatures up on the Internet has been rolling around in my head for a while. (I can hear it hit the wall when I tilt my head.) So I figured that now would be a great time to do it. Considering that I have two other blogs that I've barely updated, I can only hope this one will waste more of my time.